Did anyone ever say this to you as a child :
“stop crying, you’re fine.” (denies child’s feelings and experience)
something you can say instead to teach courage and resilience is:
“how do you feel?” (curiosity, awareness, acceptance)
Mindfulness teaches us to accept rather than deny emotions and by doing that we give ourselves more options to handle things.
Acceptance means observing and describing what is happening without putting a negative spin on it. You can also observe and accept your own emotions as they happen. If you can name it, you can deal with it and when you respond to yourself with self compassion there is healing and strength.
That judgemental, dragon, super-ego voice is your brain’s way to rationalize the pain and fear that lies beneath. That “should” language and negative self talk denies your real feelings and can create paralyzing feelings of shame. And when there is guilt and shame you can bet the anger will follow.
To beat this dragon means to look it in the eye and be willing to feel. If you can say to yourself
I’m feeling sad right now
or
I’m feeling scared right now
You can then do something about that. You are having a feeling and you will survive this. It will always pass. You do not need a shaming story to explain the feeling.
You don’t need to go to extaordinary lengths to avoid pain if you have self compassion. Just let it happen for a small moment.
But they are judging me!
This is something you have almost no control over. Yet we try and work so hard to be and do what we think others will approve of.
The real problem is this:
I feel judged.
This is something you can deal with in-house.
See that the battleground is happening inside of you. This is what needs your care and attention. All the efforts to control events, other people, or the external world is you trying to fix this pain and fear problem.
And the more you let go of what is supposed to be happening or what your life should look like, the more you are free to actually live in your own life.
Close your eyes, take a long breath from your gut, and let it out slowly.
Let yourself feel whatever is happening at this moment.
Life may be short and we have this shot at human experience. It happens at every moment. Living too much in the judgemental “not good enough” stops us from experiencing what is beautiful and happening right in front of us. Let go of what is supposed to be, accept what your gift of life is bringing you at each moment, and let yourself experience it all as if it were your only day.
To let yourself feel is to reclaim your life.
